GOOD MORNING INTERNET.

Things that are AWESOME right now:

-A Warehouse 13 marathon, which I fail at watching when the episodes are new, and so have to wait for marathons to catch up.
-Coffee.
-Microwaveable meatballs that I tormented my cat with in moving the plate so that he kept jumping up and down off the couch hoping to sink his teeth into one or seven.

Also, I had a dream about a unicorn, which probably had something to do with reading Allie's blog, Hyperbole and a Half, from the time I got home at 3 yesterday til I went to bed. Unicorns are pretty badass, I must confess.

I am almost afraid to link to Hyperbole on here, haha, because she is HILARIOUS and I am only moderately funny, since I talk about shit like microwaveable meatballs on here, and she writes posts titled "Things That Make You Feel Like an Idiot Almost Immediately, the number one of which is "holding other people's babies."

That is actually one of the things I am most terrified about! THEIR SELF-DESTRUCT BUTTON IS RIGHT ON TOP OF THEIR HEAD, WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO VOLUNTARILY FOIST SOMETHING LIKE THAT ONTO A TOTAL STRANGER.

Conversations that lead to this situation (not actually verbatim):

Me: Aww, what a cute baby.
Them: I know! Here, you can hold him/her/indeterminate gender, if you want!
Me: ...oh, no, that's--
Them: HOLD THE BABY OR I WILL REPORT YOU TO MANAGEMENT.
Me: OHGODOKAY. (holds baby for about three seconds.) TAKE IT BACK I AM GOING TO DROP IT.

I mean, I have a two year old cousin, who is the most adorable baby ever, and I am absolutely terrified to pick him up, much less carry him for any length of time, because I can carry heavy objects for long periods that are INANIMATE, but I have this fear that my legs will stop functioning as soon as I pick up a child.

This is why I am not allowed to procreate, seriously. Also, because babies scream and wail and HATE ME ON PRINCIPLE, judging by every single child that comes into Barnes and Noble and glimpses me. I always have to double check that I didn't decide to dress up like a clown that day or something, because I am pretty sure I am not that terrifying in person.

I'm also really not sure how this post went from coffee to unicorns to children, but hey, I'll take what I can get.