Brick the Spider, and other ways to spend your weekend.

The NATIONAL HOLIDAY OF EXPLOSIVES is approaching, and I have not actually invested in any explosives yet. There's something quite wrong with this, mostly because now that I've said it, I'm going to get roped into going into TOWN and sitting with nine billion people in very close proximity to me while not being the one that gets to light stuff on fire.

Obviously, no one wins in this situation, except my fingers.

I'm a big fan of holidays, with the exception of the days that come before them, and the days that come after, mostly because travel is usually involved, and I work in retail, which means that everyone needs a present for every occasion, including Independence Day, Dia de los Muertos, No Pants Day, International Talk Like a Pirate Day, and things that aren't holidays BUT SHOULD BE, mostly my birthday and any day I manage to get up in the morning and Do Things.

Last year at this fireworks spectacular, I got kicked by forty-seven children, had liquid of an indeterminate nature dumped on my shoes, and had to endure awkward conversation with crazy old people who sat all around me, one of whom I am pretty sure was trying to lick my ear. Needless to say, I am going to raid the grocery store for explosives, and then raid the liquor store for beer, and we are going to have a grand old time without being licked by old people, or having to go into the creepy shed under my deck, where there are giant red spiders that I have to beat back with a brick.

Just envision me, with a brick, hurling it into the shed and hoping I hit something, leaping back with a squeal, scuttling forward to make sure I've killed things and to grab the brick again, and there you have Brick the Spider. It's the best game ever.